I did my first “talk” when my daughter turned 10, which you can read about HERE. I wasn’t sure if I was gonna do another talk since my younger one is a boy and I felt like that was his father’s domain.
Then I realized that maybe that is the problem.
That boys don’t get women’s perspective. Maybe lack of that knowledge is one of the reasons for the sexual misunderstandings and frustrations. Maybe my son can benefit greatly from a woman’s perspective: a perspective of someone who went through trials and errors and awkwardness and embarrassment and any and everything terrible in a process of coming into her own sexually; a perspective of someone who struggled with boy’s/men’s lack of understanding of how this/our body/our mind works. I can also possibly improve intimate experiences for a few (or many?? lol) girls and women whom my son would encounter throughout his life.
My son just turned 14 when the talk happened. This is my general observation from having both a daughter and a son; boys (or maybe it’s just my son?) are (my son is) way slower than girls (my daughter). I knew that if I tried having the talk with my son when he was 10, he’d be too uncomfortable and too ignorant to really understand everything I want to communicate with him.
I didn’t really plan on having the talk that day. I found myself alone with my son in a restaurant having lunch, which happened totally spontaneously. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon in NYC and we were sitting at one of the outside tables at this taco place. We could see neon signs for the Museum of Sex from where we were sitting. My son made a comment about how when he was little, he didn’t know what the museum was about and he used to wonder. I said, “oh you know now?” He was like, yeah I know what sex is.
I said to him, ok, we are gonna talk about this.
I was fully expecting him to veto me but he said, ok. What? So I asked him, just as I asked my daughter, if he knew how babies come to be. He said he does so I made him explain it to me. His answer was sufficient and I told him please please please please please always put on the “hat” so that you won’t get pregnant until you feel ready, whatever that means. (Because you know, nobody is ever really ready for that….)
Then I told him about my experience of growing up a female and about strong and cruel pressure most females are placed under throughout our lives when it comes to appearance and sex. I told him about the constant judging that is being dished out upon us about our weight and figures and general appearances and the judgments fly from all kinds of directions: our parents, media, random males, other women, and ones who claim to love us. Some are blatant and some are subtle. I told my son that in my almost 50 years of life, I haven’t really met a woman who is completely comfortable with the way they look, including myself. Yes, some of us are better at it than others, but even then, chances are we feel a bit insecure when we are butt naked with someone we like. And it is a fact that both parties gotta feel comfortable for the sex to be good and communicative.
I told my son that it is paramount that he figures out ways to make his partner feel comfortable if he wants to have a good experience. It’s all about imagination and compassion: he has to try and understand that it is hard for most of us women to be naked, physically and emotionally, with someone we care about. We feel extra insecure around guys we like. Even if he’s not 100% successful, trying to put his partner at ease will go a long way. Intentions are everything.
I wish it weren’t that way and it takes many of us a long time to unlearn this but us women are socialized to give too much power to ones we love. It’s hard to let go of that. But I told him that he can use that power he gets for a good and positive outcome. Instead of taking advantage of our tendencies, he can figure out ways to give that back to us and doing that in a bedroom sure will make things way better for everyone involved. I’ll say it again: imagination and compassion.
I told him that we like hearing nice things about us over and over and over and over and over (lol, yes) and over, again. There is no such thing as too much compliment. We also like to be reassured that we are ok just the way we are. And this has to be done repeatedly. I know we can be annoying but so can you guys. lol. I told him that just on GP, even if you are just hooking up with someone, why not make someone feel good about themselves? What’s the harm in that? If I have raised an asshole who would insult a woman’s body while she’s naked, this talk is totally no use to him but judging from his facial expression and his responses, it’s safe to say that that is not the case.
And of course I told him about McDonald vs. organic-farm-to-table and how the world revolves around sex. I told him that if everyone is having good sex regularly, the world would be a happier and more peaceful place. I know that sounds simple but I believe that. And I definitely want my kids to be contributing to World peace. I think we are (at least most of us are) consciously or unconsciously, in pursuit of that rapture where we feel glad to be alive and where we feel the connection. We want to be loved and affirmed and feel accepted. We want to laugh and cry at the same time, you know what I mean? Sex is not the only way to get there but definitely one of the major routes.
My son actually told me that he was glad that we had the talk and he thanked me for it. THAT. Made. My. Day. This young man who used to be my little baby is now about to grapple with the eternal mystery of love and sex. He’s standing in the doorway to adulthood and looking ahead at a life full of possibilities. If that doesn’t make any mother emotional I don’t know what would. When I think of my own mistakes, heartaches, and rough patches my heart breaks for my son; but I also have had many moments filled with absolute love and joy that made my heart soar. I wish him many many moments like that. I’m really hoping that things will be a little bit better and easier for the next generation. I’m hoping that he would take a little bit of what I said with him. Just as I said to my daughter, I’d like to tell him: Eat well.